♥ 25.08.11 ♥
I can't even be bothered writing this email today. I just want to eat.
Breathe Breathe Breathe yes I know. But I don't want to.
I can't be bothered figuring out what's wrong, what's really wrong. It seems like a whole lotta effort that I'm not in the mood for. I want to be in touch with the source again and to feel that joyous positive vibe that I've had the last week. It seems like I don't know how to get it back. I DO know how to get it back, I am just getting frustrated with not being able to feel like that all the time.
But I have to realise that if it wasn't for these uneasy moments of anxiety, then I wouldn't know what joy and happiness felt like. It's why we and this earth were created so that there were polar opposites for us to experience. WIthout them, we would be living in the universe with pure love. PURE love. No hate, anxiety, struggle at all. So we would not know any difference and the pure love would seem .. well nothing. I wouldn't have the intense urge to attain it like I do now. I'd just feel nothing I guess.
I can get past this.
I can do it.
It's a friendly little reminder that there's still some emotions that need to be dealt with. When I think back now to all those times that I tried intuitive eating etc. but after two weeks I'd fall over head first back into my hole. Not again! It's like I always anticipated it and brought it on. I felt like I would never "succeed" - whatever I thought that meant. I guess I felt that never feeling anxious, overeating, feeling down would mean I had succeeded. But that's not it. If I never had those days, then I wouldn't know what feeling happy, positive and loving felt like.
So it's all okay.
Everything is okay.
I'm allowed to be sad and slow and have down days. They're even welcome! It's part of life. You have to keep on believing in yourself and cut the negative talk. Lately - since that dance class, I've been feeling unattractive and not good enough just because I couldn't keep up. I've been feeling that overwhelming feeling that I don't fit in and it's all in my head. That's all it is.
I have to keep remembering that my life is my own movie. Everyone in it are actors who all have their place and act as my teachers. I shouldn't get annoyed with them, I shouldn't compare myself to them or let their words hurt me. They are all teaching me valuable lessons. All of which are coming to me at the perfect time in my life. It is all happening for a reason.
And anyway, I am strong and healthy and beautiful and I don't need anything materialistic to comfort me. I have this clever "thing" (which I am still yet to discover completely) built inside me to draw on whenever I need it. It is the answer to all of my questions and I can tune in with it whenever I need it. I just need to be still more often. To hear it and what it is saying. And to breathe. I always forget to breathe... Drop my shoulders and just breathe.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
Let it build up and have a voice.
Hrmmmm
I know it's there, in my heart or my.. something. So many questions I want to ask. I mean, to know "it" exists and to experience it are two completely different things - just like the universe knew how amazing pure love was yet it couldn't truly feel it without feeling suffering to compare it to.
- hence why I am here and why I feel like I do today.
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